AMERICAN

Tel Aviv, a city I described to my mother as "The Vegas of Israel," goes out of its way at time to say, HEY - WE ARE NOT KOSHER. Tel Aviv also is filled with a lot more Arab - Christians and Muslims. Looking for some fun on a Saturday afternoon in Tel Aviv during Shabbos, we headed for the more dominantly Arab and Christian area, Yafo. Walking around the local businesses and parks, seeing people wear crosses, dressed head to toe in what obviously was not orthodox Jewish wear - I, (for the first time in a number of weeks) felt more comfortable. I am finding more and more ways each day how I am the product of an American upbringing - and not necessarily a Jewish one. I am from a country where it is normal to be surrounded by people of other faiths, by the notion that it is better to separate church and state, where it is better and a much more advanced way to run a society, and that separate but equal is never quite equal. Be it ultra orthodox women or black men and women - the back of the bus is not separate but equal.

But I must remember that the way I grew up is not the only way to grew up, and that just because I grew up Jewish does not mean that I grew up Israeli. I still feel an on-going struggle to feel at home here. I guess one could classify that as culture shock. To go further: every week for Shabbat I make attempts to step out of my comfort zone, to explore Judaism in some way, to make the day holy - if only for a moment. At the end of my five months here I could be an orthodox Jew, or I could be an atheist Jew, but I will never know unless I take this time to explore. At the end of every Shabbat, I somehow always feel isolated. With the secular crowd here, I feel as though I have something to hide whenever I want to explore Judaism in any way (classes, services, etc) With the more religiously observant crowd here, I feel as though no matter what I do, I've disappointed them in some way, that I am not observant enough, that I did not give up enough, and did not make enough of an effort to connect. So I find myself constantly somewhere in the middle - almost always with a small feeling of guilt. Now I realize in trying to "explore" it is very debilitating to constantly compare yourself to others - when I am probably in a different place than most. But when joining something such as a religious institution - it becomes difficult not to.

In an interesting conversation with a friend the other night about my personal views on Palestinians in Israel, my friend brought something to light I believe I have been doing for years - but have never really understood until this night. My view, again something that isolates me in this pro-zionistic group and program I am apart of, and is far from everyone else on this topic. I believe I am the only one that believes in rights for non-Jews in Israel. (My specific views are more suited for another day.) I don't automatically side with the Jews, as a Jew, because I don't necessarily see that as enough justification, when I look at the history, and both sides. When I look at the situation, I try with all of my might not to bring my emotions to the table, but to look at it, as if the topic is a subject in a documentary, as if I owe that subject and the audience something, and that I have a ethical obligation to choose a stance that is as objective as possible and the most beneficial not just to myself, but to both sides. Now, when dealing with a subject for a documentary, this all seems relatively sound. But in dealing with my personal beliefs, values, politics, etc I believe this might make me somewhat crazy. It seems that it has put me in a place where my views are barely based on what I believe, but what is most ethical, and what side of the story is the best for the people whom it involves. It hit me that this continues to be my issue in Jerusalem, what continues to isolate me here. I like the idea of being more observant, but maybe not necessarily because I believe in G'd, the 613 commandments and the right of the Jewish people to Israel as mandated to Moses on Mt Sinai; but because it is what the "most dedicated" people here believe. Maybe it makes me uncomfortable to observe because it is not what I want to do in the first place, but only what I think someone who wants to be religious should be doing. As my friend said to me, maybe I need to stop looking at the situation as what someone who is interested in pursuing Judaism further, and just think about what I do want to do, what I might believe - and just stop apologizing for it.

Or maybe I'll just continue to experience what is known as Jewish guilt.

For whatever reason, the connection I felt with Judaism in Boston existed in a way that does not exist in the holy land. the HOLY LAND. And that makes me think. Maybe it wasn't Judaism I connected with - but something else.

And this, is the last blog without footage. After today, I am hitting the streets - with a new way to meet people, start shooting, and stop making excuses. In the days to come hopefully some of what I see will be clear to you in moving picture form. My religious struggle has been dominating this blog, and I'm ready to move on.